I'm lost ;(

|So what if it hurt's me? so what if I break down? I just wanna be Happy|

Insomnia strikes back, it's kinda late now, but I just don't feel like sleeping. I guess the clock in my head is all messed up. I don't sleep well at night, I tend to dream alot, about my worries in daily life. Sometimes I wonder do I even sleep at night, or am I just thinking with my eyes closed?

It's SPM now, and it's finishing soon. 2 more subjects to go. Chem and Bio. Hurray?
And I chose blogging than studying now :P

Sometimes I wish I could play the piano when I have problems, feels like your talking to someone without speaking words, and then feel better afterwards. It's hard to find someone to talk to these days. People are here for you not because they want to, but because they have to. Not because of natural causes but because you were once nice to them, thinking that this is the way to repay their debt. That's fine, but afterwards, they tell someone else abt our complains, thats still alright, the worst part is when they start to comment, which sums up your personality to whoever who's listening. Who's reliable nowdays, to trust carelessly. It's like everybody wears a mask, or a body armor. Some people can smile at any occasion or situations. I really admire those people. I wonder if that counts as being strong?
I wanna ditch this kind of lifestyle. I'm getting really bored of this. It's pretty depressing at times.

Thinking about my studying plans for tmr, which fails everytime. HAHA. aihh~
I'm finally yawning, thats a good sign. I'd probably dream again if I go to bed now, into a lost world, finding myself. I think it's normal for me to always want to be like someone else. Copying their styles, just because their more popular. But I guess popularity doesn't really matter now, when you've found someone or something that you really want. Relationships seem secondary now, I'm just trying to appreciate what real to me now, what that really matters.

Have you ever wonder whats real? Something real is something we can touch, feel, see.. what else? when we see, touch or feel are information transmitted in our mind. And these information are what the our parents, friends, media tell us. Like a programming a program. So what real to us, is what other people tell us? Hmm... seems like a never ending story.

More thought next time. I'll write an essay next time! Nights.

Meddling Thoughts

I'm currently dosing myself with dubstep again at this hour. It seems to be one of the delightful events of my day. Skrillex's RE:GENERATION song is out.
 Yay?
But it seems the only reason that I'm listening to it is because I feel unnoticed. Ignored. I'm constantly staring into space, and it's causing many problems between me and my family :/ My dad thinks I'm agaisnt him or something.
I guess I'm back to this insecure state again. It's you again huh?
I just don't know why I just can't get over you.
You seem to be the only thing that doesn't make sense to me. Your actions are effortless and unintentional, but it turns my world upside down.
Feelings and relationships are NO mathematical equations! There's no to do's and have to's. No rules. That's what I tell myself. To me, everything can be calculated. A reason to every action. But i guess this does not apply on you.
I'm still unsure about this feeling. Maybe it's just peer pressure. Maybe I'm overreacting. But what I'm sure it has something to do with you. And it's totally out of my control.
I lack of confidence, which is what I need now to overcome this problem.
Basketball helps these days, it seems to take my mind off things for awhile.

Exams are coming and I don't seem to be doing what I'm suppose to do. My nature makes me procrastinate my duties and responsibilities. And you seem to make things worst.

This is another worst-en-ner. I'm back to Korean Drama again.

(He who can't marry)
It's about a guy, up there^ who's a 40yr old nerd where 3 different women (A doctor^, his best friend and a teenage girl) falls in love with.  His profession and his nerdiness seems to be the attraction. And the best part is he doesn't communicate well with women, or anyone. His insensitive pisses them off, but his actions just keeps them hanging. Just 3 episodes and I'm already so into it. :P

Well, it's the 30th.
One more month and the burdens lift off. Then it shall be the best time to meddle with my thoughts.
Make my little solutions and conclusions and carry them out as planned.

For now, studies!
right after I finish this song

they're amazing!

and a some sleep?

Short trips and local people

My parents took leave on Friday to stack up with the weekends so we could go on a short trip. One thing I hate about my parents is that they can't make a decision. Nobody can just make a choice and give the order. They think too much... ( i guess thats why im like this as well) After some debating and quarrellings, we finally made the decision to go to Fraser's hill. We also decided to find a hotel when we get there. I mean, how much less planning can this be? We spent about 3 hours in my dads old car going through the curvy hill roads, until we reached the "GAP" which was a one way street to the top. My dad said that it used to have a time period for each direction, up or down, as the road was too narrow, it only can allow one direction at a time. The ends of the road are guarded by gates with a changeable "go and stop" sign. The trip felt more interesting when I can feel the cool breeze as we climb higher and higher. I couldn't wait to reach the top at that moment because the songs on my ipod started to bore me.
After reaching the top, we went searching for our accommodation as planned, and the same scenario happened again as my parents couldn't make up their minds again. We then reached a hotel called the Shahzan's Inn. It's well decorated restaurant full with nostalgia attracted us as it was facing the main entrance. But when we checked in to our room, I found out that the restaurant was the only "good" thing about the hotel. Well, amazingly, the hotel provided free wifi, so I didn't complain much.
We went out for a stroll after a short break in our room. There was nothing much to do at Fraser's, the place is like some tiny theme park because everything building seems to be well planned. There were no massage parlors or indian barber shops. Only the essentials like post office, police station and a local clinic which were all build under the same "highlands" theme. And of course, loads of hotels. And because the place was so cramped, you can connect to many wifi's even if your sitting out side. We had dinner at a nice little restaurant (themed restaurant) serving mostly western food. And good beer, Tetley's and Hoegaarden. From the looks or the Indonesian waiter and waitress, I kinda under estimated to food quality. The food was better than average but it was quite pricy. Rm 12 for a bowl of mushroom soup? dayum! We then head back to our hotel and took turns to bath. There was hot water at 1st, then suddenly it became cold when it was my turn. Then we found out that the heater switch was outside the room o.o And apparently some f-tard switched it off while i was bathing... random shit. We went out for a night walk just to feel the chills as it was colder at night.
after the walk - went back hotel - sleep - next morning - breakfast - stone - went back down.

Gatherings and Friends

I was invited to a party recently. My best friends cute younger sister invited me personally! Both surprised and honored, I attended happily as I get to see my good friend and The most humble friend i ever had, Jun Szen! Something tells me that I want to have a long chat with him whenever I get these kind of chances to meet up with him, but after some recent events, it's hard to talk to him like we used to, there's like a barrier between us, I guess it's normal since we're in different schools now :/ There are less mutual topics, mostly abt grades and reminiscing abt our primary years. His current friends were invited of course. I tried blending in with them, it was AWKWARD!  I was in at disadvantage as I was alone and they had their gang. Everytime I say something, they'd be like yea~ then they'd look at each other, eye communicating about how weird they think I am. So this year, I decided to just ignore them. And everything went well! Since my gang was here this year, it was abit better. The food was awesome as always, LASAGNA! How often do you get to eat home made lasagna? For me it's just here! ( I should learn how to make my own :/) We played hotel 626. The fear factor was eliminated as we played it together with a bunch of friends. And the one clicking was a GIRL! STEADY! We literally used up an hour? Now I can tell everyone I tried the game and brag abt how NOT scary is it :P After getting own in a match of DotA, Merv drove us home. like around 1 a.m.
I WASNT SCREWED! how awesome! Can't wait for the next gathering :)

Good Gossip? Bad Gossip?

It seem that we gossip hell loads. I don't remember any convo i had that did not involve any gossiping. So who gossips more? men or women? It's said that we're equally 38! from what i know, high school peeps, we gossip mostly about our friends. and how often do we compliment our friends when we gossip about them? we criticize the sht out of them. but that's normal, we can't control it, we want to make our listeners happy. but little that we know how much our criticizes can effect our listeners.
if their bad gossipers, they might totally change their original impression about the "victim" ,
thanks of your effective gossiping skills. They'll over think and twist their little brains until they can think the worst things about the person and literally HATE them.
thats the worst scenario though. and unless someone affective enough tells him that its totally fine to not hate him and to accept for who he is, more sht happens.
FARK
I can't believe I'm actually pointing someone out :x
SOREHHHHH~ I might not be a such a good gossiper myself and i do like gossiping, but i dont HATE people!
what the hell did i just wrote o.o